Today I had a long talk with the kids about being in Hungary. It was prompted by a conversation we had a couple of weeks ago, when Hope declared that she didn't think she was a "real" missionary because we have lived here for over a year and she hasn't told anyone about Jesus.
Her statement really bothered me... it sparked a fire in my heart: What is missions? I went to Bible College for 4 years to study missions. I have a degree in missions. I have loved missions since I was 10 years old. But here I am... a missionary, trying to figure out what this is really all about. Is it about a checklist, a standard, meeting up to expectations? If I do what I'm supposed to do, and even get a little bit of public recognition, does that mean I'm a good missionary? If I tell lots of people about Jesus, and pass out hundreds of tracts, does that mean I am a good missionary?
I see and feel the expectations that being a missionary in a foreign country can bring. I expect certain things from myself, from my husband, from my children. And when one of us (or more!) doesn't line up, live up, or reach up to the expectation, there is great frustration. It can come at any moment. A dark cloud that sweeps in quickly, and carries with it a downpour of accusations, fear, and feelings of isolation. At times, it is shocking how hard and fast these storms come.
There are also expectations from others. Mostly well intended, to be sure. But they can add another layer of anxiety, fear, and frustration. I mean, aren't missionary kids supposed to be perfect? Shouldn't they have learned the language by now and be going on outreach 3 times a week with their parents, and always be smiling?
Living here, I have gotten to know my kids in a new way. I see their hearts and their souls and their joys and pains, and we walk together more closely than ever before. But, let me tell you... on the outside, it might seem like they have deteriorated somehow. They don't go to Sunday School anymore, they don't (or sometimes won't) speak Hungarian, they usually look really grumpy and angry when we are at church. They run when they should walk, and they throw stuffed animals in the chapel. Eye-contact is rare, and a handshake is rarer still.
Do you see why it would be easy for me to judge myself? But I can't. I know what's really going on. I know that for my introverted and highly sensitive daughter to ride on public transportation, surrounded by strangers (and some stranger than others) for 45 minutes to get to church is sometimes torturous. I know that by the time we walk in the door, she will be exhausted and out of energy. What should I expect from her then? What is a good missionary to do?
It's simple, really (God's answers always are). I learn to walk by faith. I know what's really going on, because I have seen a glimpse of the big picture. In my children, my husband, myself... the expectations are slowly becoming irrelevant. At last, freedom! I can rest in the provision of God for the moment. Would I love my children to always have smiles on their faces? Yes, of course. And many, many times they do. Just not always when people can see it.
They have made amazing connections... more than we even know, I'm sure. They have brought joy to the lady at the bakery, they have tolerated the toothless kisses of our elderly neighbor (sometimes!), they have conquered their fears and made friends in a new school. The work and building that is being done in them IS missions. God getting them right where they're at, and loving them completely.
Not because I have it all together. God's work is perfect... He understands me. He gives me space to be human, and is not surprised by my frailty. Missions is walking with God. It is the process of figuring out who God has made me to be... letting Him change me... and seeing Him bring people in my path who need the same.
So, my darling Hope, you ARE a real missionary. You are being changed and growing, and learning what God thinks about you. You, being you, is bringing Christ into your family, into your school, into Hungary.
Her statement really bothered me... it sparked a fire in my heart: What is missions? I went to Bible College for 4 years to study missions. I have a degree in missions. I have loved missions since I was 10 years old. But here I am... a missionary, trying to figure out what this is really all about. Is it about a checklist, a standard, meeting up to expectations? If I do what I'm supposed to do, and even get a little bit of public recognition, does that mean I'm a good missionary? If I tell lots of people about Jesus, and pass out hundreds of tracts, does that mean I am a good missionary?
I see and feel the expectations that being a missionary in a foreign country can bring. I expect certain things from myself, from my husband, from my children. And when one of us (or more!) doesn't line up, live up, or reach up to the expectation, there is great frustration. It can come at any moment. A dark cloud that sweeps in quickly, and carries with it a downpour of accusations, fear, and feelings of isolation. At times, it is shocking how hard and fast these storms come.
There are also expectations from others. Mostly well intended, to be sure. But they can add another layer of anxiety, fear, and frustration. I mean, aren't missionary kids supposed to be perfect? Shouldn't they have learned the language by now and be going on outreach 3 times a week with their parents, and always be smiling?
Living here, I have gotten to know my kids in a new way. I see their hearts and their souls and their joys and pains, and we walk together more closely than ever before. But, let me tell you... on the outside, it might seem like they have deteriorated somehow. They don't go to Sunday School anymore, they don't (or sometimes won't) speak Hungarian, they usually look really grumpy and angry when we are at church. They run when they should walk, and they throw stuffed animals in the chapel. Eye-contact is rare, and a handshake is rarer still.
Do you see why it would be easy for me to judge myself? But I can't. I know what's really going on. I know that for my introverted and highly sensitive daughter to ride on public transportation, surrounded by strangers (and some stranger than others) for 45 minutes to get to church is sometimes torturous. I know that by the time we walk in the door, she will be exhausted and out of energy. What should I expect from her then? What is a good missionary to do?
It's simple, really (God's answers always are). I learn to walk by faith. I know what's really going on, because I have seen a glimpse of the big picture. In my children, my husband, myself... the expectations are slowly becoming irrelevant. At last, freedom! I can rest in the provision of God for the moment. Would I love my children to always have smiles on their faces? Yes, of course. And many, many times they do. Just not always when people can see it.
They have made amazing connections... more than we even know, I'm sure. They have brought joy to the lady at the bakery, they have tolerated the toothless kisses of our elderly neighbor (sometimes!), they have conquered their fears and made friends in a new school. The work and building that is being done in them IS missions. God getting them right where they're at, and loving them completely.
Not because I have it all together. God's work is perfect... He understands me. He gives me space to be human, and is not surprised by my frailty. Missions is walking with God. It is the process of figuring out who God has made me to be... letting Him change me... and seeing Him bring people in my path who need the same.
So, my darling Hope, you ARE a real missionary. You are being changed and growing, and learning what God thinks about you. You, being you, is bringing Christ into your family, into your school, into Hungary.